Life After Birth: Blending a Career and a Family

EDITOR NOTE: At 42, career counselor Robin Ryan of Renton decided to add "mother" to her resume. But as she prepared to launch a nationwide book tour, her difficult pregnancy instead sent her to bed for months. It was then that she wrote a features story, confessing to be addicted to work. She updates us two years later, and shares that motherhood has changed her in the most unexpected ways.

I'm not a workaholic anymore, and no one is more surprised by that than me.

As a career counselor, I used to believe you could balance both work and family and that all you needed was the right mix. I now see it all quite differently because Jack Michael Ryan has had a profound impact on my life.

I thought I was prepared to have this baby. I wasn't. I thought I'd quickly bounce back. I didn't. I expected to be supermom, superwife and still be as highly productive as before. I'm not. Like 25 million American women, I am searching for the perfect recipe to mix mothering and work. And like many, I waited until later in life to have my first child - when my career was in high gear.

I lived 80-hour work weeks with a schedule full of career counseling clients along with TV and radio shows and lectures. I shared career advice on The Oprah Winfrey Show and on NBC Nightly News. But as I turned 42, I knew something was missing - a baby. Jack was soon on the way. I read dozens of books to GET READY for my new role as parent and prepared for the challenge of keeping my career alive, too. But nothing now is as I thought it would be - not my business nor my life. My new mantra as a mom: expect the unexpected. Of course I never imagined I'd be sent to bed and spend nearly 200 days during my pregnancy and recovery in it. My baby's birth kicked my asthma into high gear and left me barely able to breathe. And my baby got sick too, sending us to the ER a dozen times so far, and once, leaving us praying at his hospital bedside for 11 days.

I've forfeited predictability, became a pro at prioritizing (my son is always first) and struggled to keep my career. I love helping people find jobs too much to be a mom 24 hours a day, so I've spent the last 18 months trying to find my way.

MOTHERING SURPRISES

Bringing Jack home was one of the happiest days of my life. I would respond to his tiny wailing "I'm hungry" cry feeling there was a magical peacefulness to holding my son and rocking him, but as the months rolled by, the sleep deprivation nearly paralyzed me. And my recovery was clouded by something else, something few women acknowledge: postpartum depression. One in of five new mothers suffers from postpartum depression, and it's estimated that 80 percent experience at least some blues.

I just never knew it could feel so bad. I had no interest in work, and counselors were useless. This went on for weeks, and one by one, friends began to confide that they too had lived through this. I was shocked at so many revelations, but I wasn't alone anymore. What helped me most was talking to these other mothers. I also talked to my doctor, got out of the house a bit, got a few nights uninterrupted sleep, and I wrote about my feelings, trying to understand and pray that this would pass. It did.

BACK TO WORK

Twelve weeks after Jack was born, I was finally back to work. I flew to California to give two keynote speeches. But my body wasn't ready - my asthma sent me to the emergency room and I found myself once again lying in bed going crazy. I did some serious soul searching--What was I doing? I missed Jack - and the biggest shock of all - I didn't want to leave him so the business trips I use to love would become rare.

The next surprise: goodbye predictability.

I've always loved routines, succinctly scheduled time and being highly productive. When you run a business, that's a must - or so I thought. I scheduled speeches months in advance and clients have waited weeks to get on my daily appointment calendar. Now that I have a baby, nothing that is scheduled or routine is sacred anymore.

I confronted this when Jack got sick last October and spent 11 days at Children's Hospital. As he struggled to breathe, work was, of course, completely forgotten. Consumed with worry, learning that Jack too had asthma, my husband and I just prayed. Knowing 5,000 people die each year from asthma and many of them are children, I was terrified.

In the months since Jack's first hospitalization, he's been rehospitalized twice, and the car seems to know the way to the pediatrician's office and the emergency room all by itself.

Now I try to live the words flexible and adaptable. I make the most of his good days; I have tried to keep my schedule manageable but have come to accept that being his mother means canceling clients and sometimes putting our lives on hold.

I created a network of doctors and other working mothers of chronically ill children to help me cope. I insist on some time for myself and have trained his babysitters to give Jack his treatments when he is ill.

Now, as Jack's mom, I'm all about prioritizing. The blissful "balance'' of handling family and a job, which people talk so much about, is hogwash. There is no balance in managing families and career. There are simply priorities - ever changing priorities. My feelings are the same as any other working mom's: conflicted, guilty, stressed-out and frustrated, at times thinking I am are not doing a good job at either work or motherhood.

I had to face that I could not have it all devoting fulltime to both baby and work. So I gave up some of my career.

I cut back to 20-30 hours a week, feeling some loss as I'd worked hard to build my business. But it's working. I hear Jack shouting at the deer outside while I work in my home office, and I can go out and join him - and still my business is prospering.

What helped me scale down was finding dependable help to watch Jack so I could be focused when I worked, eliminating some socializing, reducing my professional goals to more simple ones for the next few years, saying "NO" to projects that required too much time and effort, plus doing a little work later at night while Jack sleeps or during his nap time. I still do some of the things I truly love: writing, counseling clients and teaching a few seminars.

What makes it all worthwhile are those unexpected moments. It's seeing him laugh as we blow bubbles or play in the park climb up the slide backwards in the park. It's when a very busy boy falls asleep on my shoulder or stops for just one second to give me a hug.

It's in the hours where Jack and I are just together that I find so much joy.

At 44, I think I am a better mother now than I would have been ten years ago. I am different -- less driven, less intense. I've enjoyed this child in ways I never imagined. I hate how quickly his infancy is flying by and I can't stand to miss any of it.

I realize I must have both work and Jack to make me feel whole. I haven't figured it all out yet, so I set my priorities daily. But every morning when I walk into the nursery and stare into those adorable eyes as he lifts up his arms to greet me, I know this child is my greatest blessing of all.

© Copyright 2008 Robin Ryan. All rights reserved.

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Robin Ryan has appeared on Oprah and Dr. Phil and is considered to be America’s top career coach. Robin has a busy career counseling practice providing individual career coaching, resume writing services, interview preparation, salary negotiations, and outplacement to clients nationwide. She is the best-selling author of : "60 Seconds & You're Hired!," "Soaring On Your Strengths," "What to Do With the Rest of Your Life," "Winning Resumes," and "Winning Cover Letters." A dynamic national speaker, Robin has spoken to over 1200 audiences sharing her insights on how to improve their lives and obtain greater success. Contact Robin at: 425.226.0414, or email: robin@robinryan.com, or visit her website: http://www.robinryan.com

Reprints release: Newspapers, magazines, online websites are granted permission to reprint this in part or whole but are required to credit the author including author's bio, book credits, and include author's website information (with link if online); PLUS email author at robin@robinryan.com and state when and where reprint publication will occur. Questions: contact author at robin@robinryan.com or 425.226.0414.